Jokes

When one girl had finished the English portion of the state exam, she removed her glasses and started the math questions.
"Why aren't you wearing your glasses?" she was asked.
She responded, "My glasses are for reading, not math."


*******

I recently asked a student where his homework was.  He replied,  "It's still in my pencil."


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A frantic man calls his doctor: "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.
"No!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"


********


"Did you hear what happened to Mel?" one friend said to another.  "He was seeing his doctor for six months because of the chest pains and shortness of breath.  Last week, he dropped dead from cancer."
"That's terrible," says the other friend.  "Well, I told him a hundred times to go see my doctor."
"Is he any good?"
"Good?  He's the best!  If he treats you for heart problems ... you'll die of heart problems."


*******


Mr. Harper sued a hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesperson replied, "Mrs Harper was admitted for cataract surgery.  All we did was correct her eyesight."


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When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous.  With a shaking voice, he asked, "Do I have to drink it?"


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A gentleman calls our office with questions about an upcoming test he is scheduled for, and we talk  at length about the procedure.
Patient:  I'm sorry to have so many questions.
Me:  Oh, that's no problem.  You can always call and ask for clarification when you need it.
Patient: Thank you very much, Clara Fication!   You've been very helpful.


********


A nervous patient arrived at our dental office for root canal surgery.  He was brought into the examination room and then left alone for a few minutes.  When the dentist returned, he found the patient standing next to a tray of surgical equipment.  "What are you doing?" the dentist asked.
The patient replied, "Removing the ones I don't like."


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My teenage patient's mother was concerned.  "He must have a temperature," she said.  "He hasn't taken our motorcycle out all day."
"Let me ask you,"  I said.  "Do you have a thermometer?"
"No," she said. "A Kawasaki."


********


"Here," says the nurse, handing the patient a urine specimen container.  "The bathroom's over there."
A few minutes later, the patient comes out of the bathroom.
"Thanks," he says, returning the empty container.  "But there was a toilet in there, so I didn't need this after all."


********


I'd never had surgery, and I was nervous.  "This is a very simple, non-invasive procedure,"  the anesthesiologist reassured me.  I felt better, until ...
"Heck," he continued, "you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself."


********


Mitchy had a problem with body odor, so he went to see his doctor.  "Do you wash?" the doctor asked him.

"Every morning," Mitchy replied.  "I begin at my head and wash down as far as possible.  Then I begin at my feet and wash up as far as possible.

"Well," the doctor said, "I suggest you go home and wash possible."

Tôi Yêu 


Tôi yêu quê tôi yêu lũy tre dài đẹp xinh
Yêu con sông xanh dâng cát hoe vàng bên đình
Yêu trăng buông lơi hôn má cô nàng dệt tơ
Và yêu cánh đồng vời xa, ngàn tay đang dựng mùa hoa

Tôi yêu đơn sơ yêu mái tranh nghèo mẹ quê
Yêu duyên nên thơ soi bóng trăng vàng ước thề
Yêu con đê xưa đưa lối qua chợ làng quê
Và yêu mấy nhịp cầu tre là đây anh chờ em về

Kìa cùng đùa chơi trẻ thơ ca hát yêu đời
Dù nghèo mà vui hỏi ai không hé môi cười
Mưa nắng ơn trời, lúa vàng nắng đẹp sáng ngời
Xóm làng đón mùa chiêm mới
Ấm no ấp ủ làng tôi

Tôi yêu quê tôi yêu mãi bây giờ càng yêu
Yêu chim bay qua mang đến tin mừng thái hòa
Yêu anh yêu em, yêu xóm yêu làng gần xa
Và yêu mối tình nở hoa, ngàn năm không hề phai nhòa

Trịnh Hưng

Buổi chiều, một triệu phú đang đi trên chiếc limousine thì nhìn thấy một người đàn ông đang ăn cỏ bên vệ đường . Ông dừng lại tìm hiểu:

- Tại sao ông ăn cỏ ?

- Tôi không có tiền mua thức ăn .

- Ồ, vậy thì đi với tôi .

- Nhưng thưa ngài, tôi còn vợ và sáu đứa con nữa!

- Hãy mang họ theo!

Khi tất cả leo lên xe, người đàn ông nói:

- Thưa ngài, ngài quá tốt bụng!

Triệu phú đáp:

- Không có chi, cỏ ở nhà tôi cao gần đến ba tấc .

- Mày làm ơn cho gia đình tao xuống xe !!! 

********

Bác sĩ thú y nói với Thomas khi anh đưa con vật đến khám bệnh:

- Rất tiếc là con lợn của anh bị ốm . Nó bị cảm lạnh . Nếu anh muốn cứu nó, anh phải giữ ấm cho nó .

- Thế à ? Thomas nói, Vậy thì tôi sẽ cho nó ngủ trên giường của tôi .

Bác sĩ thốt lên:

- Trên giường của anh ? Không được đâu, anh không nghĩ tới mùi khó chịu à ?

Thomas nhún vai:

- Mùi khó chíu ? Nó sẽ phải quen đi chứ !? 

Two men were talking after the Jan 17, 1994, earthquake. The first guy asked, "If there was another earthquake, and you knew the world was going to end, what would you do ?"

The other guy said, "I'd have sex with the first thing that moves.  What would you do?"

The first guy replied, "I'd stand very still."  

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An elderly spinster complained to the police that a man in an apartment across the street from her was walking around nude. An officer came to check it out and told the woman that from the distance and window angle, he couldn't see anything but the vaguest outline of the upper half of a man's body.

"Well," she replied indignantly, "you can if you stand up on the dresser and use these binoculars." 

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Một người đứng cạnh miệng cống và quăng tiền giấy xuống . Người đi qua thấy lạ liền thắc mắc:

- Ông đang làm gì thế ?

- Tôi đánh rơi một đồng xu xuống cống .

- Nhưng sao ông lại ném thêm tiền xuống nữa ?

- Tôi không muốn người ta nói rằng tôi chui xuống cống chỉ vì ... một đồng xu! 

Có hai vợ chồng nọ sống ở sâu dưới những ngọn đồi và rất hiếm khi thấy người qua lại . Một hôm, có người bán hàng rong đi qua, anh ta nhìn thấy ông chồng ngoài cửa nên vồn vã chào mời:

- Ông hay bà nhà có muốn mua thứ gì không ?

- Vợ tôi không có ở nhà, nhưng mà anh có gì vậy ? Ông chồng hỏi .

Người bán hàng rong liền đưa ra các vật dụng gia đình, nào là chảo, xoong, nồi ... Tuy nhiên, ông chồng chẳng chú ý lắm mà chỉ nhìn vào một cái gương .

- Cái gì thê? Ông chồng hỏi .

Đoạn ông ta cầm nó lên nhìn rồi nói tiếp:

Ôi! Hình của bố tôi đây mà, nó đẹp thật! Bán cho tôi cái này .

Sau khi mua chiếc gương, ông ta rất lo lắng vì sợ bà vợ keo kiệt biết mình đã bỏ ra rất nhiều tiền để mua một đồ vật vô bổ, ông ta liền giấu nó vào trong kho sau những thùng đồ .

Sau đó, ngày nào ông chồng cũng đến kho và nhìn vào tấm hình trong cái gương hai ba lần khiến bà vợ sinh nghi .

Thế là một ngày nọ bà chờ chồng đi ngủ rồi đi vào nhà kho và tìm thấy cái gương, bà ta cầm nó lên nhìn rồi nói thầm:

- Thì ra đây chính là mụ đàn bà xấu xí mà mấy hôm nay ông ta đang tán tỉnh! 

My last girlfriend treated me like a piece of meat. The only problem is that she's a vegetarian.


Why are there is so many women with fake fingernails, fake eyelashes and fake boobs complaining that there are no real men?


My girlfriend had been complaining that we never go out to eat anymore, and she wanted to go someplace expensive. So I took her to the airport. 

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A man wins $100,000 in Las Vegas and, not wanting anyone to know about it, he takes it home and buries it in his backyard. The next morning he goes out back and finds only an empty hole. He sees footprints leading to the house next door, which belongs to a deaf-mute, so he asks the professor down the street, who knows sign language, to help him confront his neighbor. The man takes his pistol, and he and the professor knock on the neighbor's door. When the neighbor answers, the man waves the pistol at him and says to the professor, "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000, I'm going to kill him right now!"

The professor conveys the message to the neighbor, who responds that he hid the money in his own backyard under the cherry tree.

The professor turns to the man and says, "He refuses to tell you. He says he'd rather die first." 

A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig. The man is found guilt and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, "Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?"

The judge says, "That is correct."

"And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding?"

"No," says the judge, "You are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that."

The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, "Good afternoon, Ms. Harding." 

A man waits all day in traffic court for his case to be heard. At long last it's his turn to stand before the judge, but the judge only tells him that he will have to come back tomorrow, the man snaps, "What the hell for?"

The judge snaps back, "Twenty dollars fro contempt of court!"

The man pulls out his wallet. The judge says, "You don't have to pay today."

The man says, "I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words." 

Two interns, Johnson and Fredricks, roomed together. They got along in ever respect except that Fredricks had a horrible smoking problem. Johnson lectured him again and again, "You know that smoking is unhealthy. If you don't take care of yourself, one night you're going to cough your guts out."

The next month Fredricks was to be married, and the roommates went out for one last night of bachelor fun. The two staggered back home, the groom-to-be much the worse of the two. Fredricks collapsed onto his bed and fell into a deep sleep. Johnson, as a joke, went to the lab at the hospital and grabbed up a sample of human intestines. he brought it home and dropped the intestines over his sleeping roommate's chest.

The next morning, Johnson was up early drinking coffee when the hungover roommate appeared in the doorway. "Did you sleep well?" Johnson inquired.

Fredricks looked pale. "The strangest thing happened. I think I actually did cough up my guts."

Johnson suppressed a smile. "Didn't I tell you to stop smoking ? You could have avoided all this trouble."

His friend had a sick expression. "You don't know the half of it. After I noticed my intestines all over my chest, I had a heck of a time getting them back in."

A multinational corporation advertises for a secretary.

A golden retriever applies for the job, passes the typing test, and is granted an interview. The human-resources manager asks, "Do you speak any foreign languages?"

And the golden retriever says, "Meow." 

********

When Thompson hit seventy, he decied to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer. He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths. In just three months' time, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches. Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.

As he lay dying, he cried out, "God, how could you do this to me?"

And a voice from the heavens responded, "To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn't recognize you." 

Doctor Johnson was having lunch in the hospital cafeteria when he was joined by a colleague. "I know you've been avoiding me, Johnson, and I also know you are having an affair with my wife."

"It is true," admitted Dr. Johnson.

"So, how is she in bed?" asked the colleague.

"What a question to ask," replied the astonished doctor. "You should know, you're married to her."

"Yeah. But I wanted a second opinion." 

A rich old woman, married and divorced many times, found another man willing to marry her despite her advancing years and past record. Before the wedding, she went to see her plastic surgeon, a trip she had often made before. When she told the doctor that she wanted yet another face-lift, he objected. "You've had at least ten face-lifts already. It would be both difficult and dangerous for you to have another, and I for one strongly recommend against it."

"Oh please, you must," the woman said. "I'm going to get married again, and to a much younger man. I can't walk down the aisle looking like this! Please!" But the doctor was unconvinced.

"All right," the woman said, "I'll throw in an extra ten thousand if you do it. I'm desperate." The doctor was suddenly moved with pity and decided to perform the operation.

After the operation, the woman admired her face in the mirror. "Doctor it looks marvelous! And it wasn't dangerous after all. One thing though," she said, fingering her chin, "I don't remember having a dimple. And it's so large!"

The doctor sighed. "I'm afraid it isn't a dimple at all. It's your navel!" 

An elderly doctor, well along in years, decided it was time to turn over his medical practice to his young son fresh out of internship. The son, though well-versed in the latest techniques at big city hospitals, was unfamiliar with the small town practice of his father so the old doctor decided to show him the ropes as he took his son around on his calls.

"One thing you always have to remember is that many times people won't tell you all you need to know to make a diagnosis," the old doctor lectured. "So we have to help them. The first rule is that you must always be observant. For instance, Mrs. Johnson is overweight. But her problem isn't glandular: she stuffs herself with candy bars. I saw dozens of empty wrappers in her garbage when we were there this morning.

"Mr. Wade complains he has no energy. That's because he drinks his dinner. I had to climb over a mountain of scotch bottles to get into his house .  So remember, be observant."

At the next stop the older doctor knocked. When there was no response, the two entered and went up the stairs to investigate. There they found a beautiful woman in bed with the sheets pulled up to her chin. The woman told them of her problem; she was having anxiety attacks. The young doctor bent over the patient and saw the beads of sweat on her forehead. He decided to check her temperature, but he clumsily fumbled the thermometer and it fell on the floor. He bent over and picked it up, and went on with his examination.

When he had finished, the examination he made his diagnosis. "I think you're getting too involved in politics. If you stop concentrating so much on that, I guarantee your attacks will subside. " The woman sat up in her bed and nervously thanked him.

As the doctors got back to their car, the older one asked, "How on earth could you give her such specific advice?"

"Just followed your rule of simple observation and deduction," the young doctor answered confidently, "When I bent over to pick up the thermometer, I noticed the mayor under the bed."

Mrs. Rush burst into the doctor's office. "Doctor! I am furious with you. My husband came to you two months ago with headaches. Since he saw you, he stays out late, never even comes home on the weekend, and hardly even looks at me anymore!"

The doctor was shocked. "I can't believe it! All I did was give him a new set of glasses!" 

*******

A man is praying to God. "Lord," he prays, "I would like to ask you a question."

The Lord responds, "No problem. Go ahead."

"Lord, is it true that a million years to you is but a second?"

"Yes, that is true."

"Well, then, what is a million dollars to you ?"

"A million dollars to me is but a penny."

"Ah, then, Lord," says the man, "may I have a penny?"

"Sure," says the Lord. "Just a second."

After attending a conference on professional ethics, four psychiatrists walked out together. One said, "You know, people are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one to go to with our problems. So why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"  The other three agreed.

The first psychiatrist confessed, "I have an almost uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can."

The third followed with, "I'm involved in selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "You know, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to keep a secret."

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating his guilt, but there was no corpse. In his closing statement, the defense attorney resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury", he said. "I have a surprise for you all - within one minute, the person presumed dead will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, stunned, all looked eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the business about the dead man walking in. But you all looked at the door with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I must insist that you return a verdict of "not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, they returned and pronounced a verdict of "guilty."

"But how could you do that?" bellowed the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."

An old cowboy goes into a bar and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sits down next to him. She returns to the cowboy and asks him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replies, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am.

She says, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A little while later, a couple sits down next to the old cowboy and asks him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replies, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." 

Two nurses were having lunch in the hospital cafeteria. "Is Renata still dating that X ray technician?" asked the first.

"Yes," the second replied. "And I just don't understand it. The guy is so ugly and he has no personality."

"She must see something in him that others can't." 

********

Mrs. Brevoort, a widow, was hanging out by the pool at her country club when she spotted a handsome man sunning himself. She sidled up to him and said, "Well, I don't believe I've seen you here before."

"Not likely," the man said. "I've been in the penitentiary for thirty years."

"Really ? What for?"

"I murdered my wife."

"Ah! Mrs. Brevoort said, "So you're single!"