Hiểu và Thương

The doctor finished his examination and told the patient to get dressed and to come into his office.

"Sit down, Mr. Kaysen.  After looking at these test results, I recommend that you have an operation immediately."

The man thought for a moment.  "How will this affect my hobby, Doctor?"

"What's your hobby?"

"Saving money!" 

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

A husband and wife went to the doctor for a yearly checkup.  The husband was ushered in first, and after the doctor had completed his tests, he asked him if he had any particular concerns.

"One thing has been bothering me, doctor , our love making.  The first time was fine, but the second time I noticed that I was sweating all over."

The doctor was perplexed, and went in to see the wife in another examining room.  "your husband says that the first time he made love he was fine, but that he was sweating all over the second time.  "Do you know why?"

"I certainly do," snapped the wife. "The first time was January and the second time was August."

A gray-haired woman went to the doctor complaining of swollen ankles.  The doctor gave her anti-swelling pills and instructed her to take one every other day.

“I’m sorry, Doctor,” said the lady.  “I’m not sure I understand the treatment.”

“It is very simple,” said the doctor.  “Take one pill today, skip tomorrow, take one pill the next day, skip the day after that, and continue that way until the prescription is finished.  Come back and see me then.”

A few weeks later the woman returned, and her ankles looked completely normal.  The doctor was pleased.  “It looks like it worked.  I think you can stop the treatment.”

“Oh, good,” said the old woman.  “I didn’t mind the pills, but the skipping was killing me!”

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

A nervous woman went to the dentist.  

"You know, Doctor, I hate having work done on my teeth.  In fact, I think I would rather give birth than have a tooth drilled."

"That's up to you,"  the dentist replied.  "But you'd better make up your mind before I adjust the chair!"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

After three days in a coma the man finally regained consciousness.  he opened his eyes to find the doctor taking his pulse.

"You were at death's door,  Mr. Winters,"  said the doctor gravely.  "It's only your strong constitution that has pulled you through."

"I just hope you remember that, Doctor, when you send me your bill."

A man walked into the doctor's office to find out the results of a series of tests that he had undergone.  his worst fears were confirmed.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you, Mr. McIntosh.  you're going to die in four weeks."

The man was distraught.  "Doctor, that's terrible!  I want a second opinion."

"Okay.  You're ugly too."

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

"Doctor!  Doctor, I think I have amnesia."

"Go home and forget about it."

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

"I think I know one problem you've got,"  said the psychiatrist to her patient.  "You have trouble making up your mind.  Would you agree with that?"

"Well, yes and no."

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.  “We need a fourth for poker,”  said the friend.

“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious>’

“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely.  “Why, there are three doctors there already!”

The doctor was on his way to a medical conference in Europe, and brought his secretary along to organize his appointments. Their plane arrived late and the two reached the hotel to find that they were assigned to just one room. Having to get up early the next day, they took it.

It was cold that night, as they both slipped under the covers,. The secretary turned to the doctor. "Doctor, would you mind slipping out of bed to close the window?"

After a moment's hesitation, the doctor replied, "Would you like to pretend that you are my wife tonight?"

"Oh yes!" cried the secretary.  "I was hoping you would ask me!"

"Good," said the doctor, turning over, "Then close the window yourself!"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

The surgeon motioned for his patient to sit down, "Mr. Palin, I've got the tests back and I'm afraid that an operation will be required.  This is a very serious procedure and I have to tell you that three out of four patients don't survive this operation.  But in your case, I wouldn't be concerned."

"Why is that, Doctor?

"My last three patients died."

The doctor sat the 86-year-old man down for a talk.

"Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, Mr. Brower, but I thought it best to discuss a few things with you."

Mr. Brower leaned on his cane and peered at the doctor. "What'st that, doctor?"

"Your fiancee is a lovely woman.  She is 23 years old and in terrific shape."  The doctor paused for a moment to consider his words.  "Frankly speaking, she has had a very full sexual life, and after you two are married she expects to continue that way."  The doctor sighed, "I'm just afraid this might be fatal."

Mr. Brower slammed his cane on the desk.  "If she dies, she dies!"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

After six months of therapy with a patient, the psychiatrist could stand it no longer.  "The smoking!"  blurted out the therapist.  "You've got to give up smoking!"

"Smoking?"  replied the man.  "Smoking is the key to my disorder?"

"No, of course not," said the doctor, "but at least you'll stop burning holes in my couch!"

A woman was leaving the dentist's office when a man walked in.  She pointed to a sign that read "Painless Dentist" and mumbled, "It's not true."

"How do you know?" queried the new patient.

"Because he screamed when I bit his finger!"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

One nurse to another: "What do you give a man who has everything?"

"Penicillin!"  

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

"Doctor, I feel run down and exhausted all the time," complained the patient.  "I am totally listless.  Is there anything you can give me that will perk me up?"

"Yes.  Wait till you get my bill."

Two men met on the street.  "Hank, you don't look so good," offered the first man.  "Is everything all right with you?"

Hank shook his head.  "I don't know what it is, ED.  I just have no energy.  Life is getting me down and I just mope through the day.  I've been to different doctors, specialists, even a psychiatrist, but nothing seems to help."

Ed clucked sympathetically.  "I'm sorry to hear that, buddy.  Whenever I get feeling like that I just drag myself home, and then my wife gives me a great big hug, lays me down on the bed, and rubs my head and shoulders for and hour.  Then I feel much better.  You ought to try that."

"I think I will,"  agreed Hank.  "What's your address?"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

An elderly patient hobbled into the doctor's office and collapsed in a chair.  "Doctor, my right foot is giving me a lot of pain.  Can you do something about it?"

The doctor shook his head.  "Mr. Livingston, you'll just have to live with it.  I'm afraid it's old age."

"Yeah?  My left foot's not hurting me, and it's just as old."